Tag Archives: jobs

On Self-Loathing

shadow

Self-loathing is the unshakable tormenting imaginary friend that every 20-something young adult tries hard to break a relationship with.

It’s that invisible whisper in your ear that reminds you why you’re not good enough and doesn’t let you sleep at night. It’s that transparent body that blocks you from moving forward and tells you that you might as well just go back to where you came from. It sometimes takes the form of a parent, a friend, or even a stranger who chuckles at your naivety and mocks you with a middle finger.

For myself, my self-loathing became more prominent my fall semester of my sophomore year. In everything I did — no matter if it was successful — there was an auspicious awareness that it was not good enough and would amount to nothing. No matter what I did this semester: present a speech before First Lady Michelle Obama, get promoted to News Editor, meet amazing writers, and among other things that I was lucky to take part in — I still came back to my dorm riddled with anxiety and stress over my apparent inability to produce anything worthy of being called, “good.”

Even self-loathing made me stop blogging after I posted the most successful blog post I ever had.

And like so many self infatuated young adults, I assumed it was just me that had this problem. It wasn’t until I was at a party when a friend of mine drunkenly confessed her feelings of inept when it came to herself, her work and her future. In my opinion, she was an extremely amazing artist (her undergrad major) and that it was silly to spend time hating herself when she was perhaps one of the few people I admired my age.

In contrast, I think of my friends who are confident in themselves but are ignorant to their lack of ability. Like most young adults, I have many friends who want to be authors, photographs, artists, actors; but are acutely unaware that the work they currently produce is lackluster.

Why do talented people feel like their contributions are below average, and why do untalented people feel like their contributions are “God’s gift to mankind?”

In a quote from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird: Miss Maudie speaks about Atticus’ hidden shooting talent and says, “People in their right minds never take pride in their talents.”

While perpetual and severe self-loathing is never a good thing as it is detrimental to someone’s own psyche — an understanding of humility and one’s own lack of ability is a thing that a person can learn from. The person who believes they have a lot to learn will eventually outshine the person who believes they are superior and gifted.

In turn however — humility is a balancing act. Recently, I had an internship interview at a prominent newspaper in Iowa. I was 100% positive they weren’t even going to contact me for an interview. When I did get contacted for an interview, I was in immediate panic mode and was sure that I was going to do a terrible job and would be an unqualified candidate. My best friend’s father gave me the simple advice of acting like the paper would be lucky to have me, instead of the other way around. Through this simple façade of courage and vigor — I know that the interview went 10x better than it would have if I went in with a determination that I was unfit for the position.

But things like acting confident during an interview is obvious. It’s the balancing act of humility and courage that young adults need to sort through when applying for jobs/colleges, swimming through the dating scene or even living their everyday lives.

Most young adults in this generation lack assertiveness and confidence which is saddening. We lack the ability to feel strongly about something or voice our opinion for fear of offending someone. And then when we do stand up for ourselves or do something daring — we chastise ourselves for it immediately afterwards and follow up with, “but that’s just my own opinion” or “but I could definitely be wrong.”

At the same time, American society is individualistic and is focused on the sole person. Parents smother their children with overbearing compliments and comfort, and those children turn into young adults who fail to see themselves past the veil of, “Oh Johnny, you were the best pumpkin in the play out of all of them.”

So after rambling about the same thing over and over again — I leave you with this one belief that I’ve acquired.

I would rather do great things and self-loathe myself, rather than be mediocre and live in naive state of mind. I would rather be talented and not talk about it than be average and act boastful. I would rather believe other people are better than me, than proclaim myself as the best.

At the same time — there are certain things confident people have a better chance to get such as happiness, friends and certain things that require charisma such as a job interview or even a job offer.

So after today, I am going to try and learn how to live with my self-loathing imaginary friend, and take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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I am a Liberal, Gay-Loving Person who works at Chick-fil-A

chick fil a

(Please note: This is purely my own opinion. I do not represent anyone except myself.)

For a very long time, I’ve wanted to make a Facebook status about this identity crisis that I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

I’ve finally been pushed to actually write something after the President of Chick-fil-A admitted that he was against gay marriage. (Didn’t we already know this? I’m shocked people didn’t already know.)

I work at Chick-fil-A. I absolutely love my job. Let me repeat that: I love my job. I get to work with all of my friends in a safe and fun environment, while also giving great customer service and being proud of the work that I’m doing. Plus I’m making a decent wage.

I am also an intern at the Obama campaign. I am the Director of Media Relations for UNI Proud, the University of Northern Iowa’s LGBT Group. I have been to two pride festivals. I have more gay male friends than I have straight male friends.

As you can assume, my job that I love and the people that I love don’t always coincide, but they both have made me the person that I am today.

Likewise, with both “sides” of my life, I have hidden the real person that I am.

When I told one person at work that I might intern with the Obama campaign, I was immediately debated and battled. After interning over a month, I have finally told a small section of the people that I work with about my internship.

When I tell people at UNI that I have a job in my hometown, I don’t say Chick-fil-A. I always say the name of the mall I work in, or I just say I work at a restaurant. The instant I say Chick-fil-A at my school, the response is “You know they’re homophobic, right?”

And recently, my Facebook feed (and Tumblr…and Twitter) has been blown up with people boycotting Chick-fil-A and assuming that everyone who goes there or works there are all bigoted.

It makes me extremely confused about what I should tell people. When I present my conservative mother with this issue, she tells me to get over this “gay trend.” When I tell my gay friends about this, they tell me to quit my job.

Today I told one of my friends about this idea I had for the blog and she asked, “I’ve known you for a long time, but I have never understood why you as a liberal actually like your job at Chick-fil-A.”

And for over two years, while I have always known that the corporation was against an issue that I feel strongly about, it was not until recently when The New York Times and even KCCI  decided to cover the controversy that I ask myself,

Is it possible to have pride in your job, even when it doesn’t agree with your morals?

It seems that in the argument over Chick-fil-A, there is no gray area in between. Either you despise the establishment and vow to never let those delicious chicken nuggets touch your lips, or you’re Mike Huckabee and you’re a gross bigot who hates everything that’s not conservative and Christian. (And don’t get me started on Rick Santorum…)

However, it’s not all like that. There is a difference between a corporation and it’s people.

At my store, we’ve had multiple openly gay employees. While I’m pretty positive I’m the only democrat, I know that some of my co-workers don’t really care whether gay or straight people get married. And of course, there are many of my co-workers who believe that marriage should be between a man and a wife. That’s no issue, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.

And I don’t blame the people who are boycotting our store now. After all, if I only had the media’s perspective on the issue, I would be one of those people as well. But there’s so much more. One person does not represent hundreds of stores and thousands of employees, even if he is the president.

I agree that donating millions of dollars to anti-gay marriage organizations is wrong, and I understand people don’t want their money going towards that. I wouldn’t either. (Source: NY Times: Gay Rights Uproar Over Chick-fil-A Widens)

However, it also makes me sad that there are people out there who aren’t going to experience our great service and delicious food. They’re not going to understand why I think our store is so great. And it makes me extremely upset that there are going to be people out there that will automatically assume that we’re all homophobic people, when in fact, I work fantastic people, and while some may have their beliefs that are different than mine, I still respect them.

I’m definitely biased because I’m viewing this from “inside the trade” and I see it more locally than corporate wide. But my bias towards wanting the most happiness for my friends and knowing that they should get the right to get married, no matter, what also creates a rip inside of me.

And so after all of that rambling, to answer my question about whether it’s possible to have pride in your job even when it’s against your morals…

I honestly don’t know.

I know that I’m happy with where I’m working, but I know that it sucks that the president of the company doesn’t agree with my views and would purposely try to block off the happiness and equal rights that so many in our country deserve. (Though he does have every right to do so.)

I know that I’m proud of the great service that we give and the emphasis we have on treating everyone with respect. I wish that my job would stop feeling like a political statement these days.

I am proud of where I work at and the people I work with. They respect my views and I respect their views as well. I am not proud of  the corporation’s stance on marriage equality.

And so I ask, oh lovely readers of mine who have graciously read the ramblings of confusion that I have felt for so long:

Is it possible to have pride in your job, even if it’s against your morals?

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To Travel Hopefully is a Better Thing Than to Arrive

car, traveling, driving, dreaming

One of my favorite quotes is from Robert Louis Stevenson– “To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.”

It’s a quote that pertains to an emotion I’ve been feeling lately…

Unsatisfied.

I don’t know if it’s that college undergraduate urge where you’re ready to go out and experience life, but I feel like there’s the possibility of the world within my hand. Quickly however, reality crashes down and leaves me with broken fingers.

Student debt, high unemployment, no experience; there is an endless list of overbearing worries that make me scared of wanting more.

There was a time that I drifted towards public relations because the job market was moderate and I figured, “it was close enough” to journalism.

There was another time when there was a news writing job that I decided not to apply for because I figured I already had enough on my plate and that I didn’t need to work any harder.

I wanted to quickly quench that crawling unsatisfied feeling  by giving into “the reality” of the situation and lowering my standards.

However, I quickly realized that even if some things I want to achieve seem impossibly, why not try?

It seems hopelessly optimistic, and I’m not saying that I want to be the next Diane Sawyer or anything, but I’m afraid that our generation may start lowering their standards or goals because of the stark reality that lies before them.

And so you can study something in school that you figure will have a good job market and will turn a profit, and you can also not bother to apply for your dream job because you’re okay with where you’re at and change is terrifying.

But with just one life to live and only so many days to truly live it, what’s the point of settling for reality? Why not keep chasing that dream? In the end you may be better or you may be worse, but what was our country built on?

Dreamers.

And so I ask, is there any quote or saying that you live by or feel strongly about?

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